As I write this post, I’m struggling to find a title for it. My first instinct is to abandon it for later, but it’s asking to be written and published immediately. Experiences in my recent past have made me act forcefully and decisively to cut two people off. And surprisingly both these people have turned around and played the victim. As I read this quote from Donna Lynn Hope, I wondered how she knew these people so well! And then I had it – the title of this post – the real face of a person!
“It’s way too easy to see the real face of a person. They’re amiable and full of pretense when they want something from you, but the minute you don’t give in, back away or put yourself first (like they do) is the minute they show you who they really are.”
― Donna Lynn Hope
The Real Face Of A Person
With both these people, I used my personal capital and I don’t mean just money to help them.
With one it was a loan of a large amount of money – with no interest – and a payment plan a year after. Then I reached out to two people and asked them for favors for her to prepare for a competitive exam. But then, I began to find my kindness was being abused and she was lying to me about things, unnecessarily. When I decided to cut off and enforce the agreed payment plan, she acted as if I was a terribly unfair person!
For the other one, I expended personal capital, exhorting people to support his cause, only to find that he was not all he made out to be. When people cynically use others, it’s just not nice. Apparently, he’s told people that everyone is ready to help him, because they want something from him! What a world view!
Now I’ve always struggled with this. I’m naturally kind and generous. But often people have taken advantage of me. I’ve realized it’s my problem. And I am not being nice to myself. What’s more, in both cases, I gave these people access to my contacts, who they also used!
Now I’ve realized (better late than never):
- To listen to my husband – he has better instincts about people who are users!
- To listen to my own intuition telling me when to guard myself
- To tell these people in no uncertain terms that I see them for who they really are (I’ve done that in both these cases). Without doing this, I would be inauthentic.
Most importantly, I need to take care of my health, distance myself from this toxicity and continue to be kind and generous without opening myself to being exploited.
“Try to ensure that your acts of kindness don’t become open doors of exploitation to others.”
― Stewart Stafford
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Corinne, at first read I was little nervous about that two person. But later could understand your pain of showing kindness to all. Happy that you could find them and take action. Yes, sometimed we have to follow our instincts to play safe. A great lesson learnt today!
Nervous? Why? Thank you!
While I am useless at this aspect and allow everyone to take advantage of me, I was struck by how many people I love being with who are in reality just as bad at this as i am… Beyond sessions counseling each other to buck up, the only constant is grinning when we end up revealing we are in the same situation again with a new face this time.
Even as I was writing this, Roshan, I remember you sharing about how your parents were similarly taken for a ride. I think we need to stand up more for ourselves. I’m doing that, albeit slowly!
It does leave you broken-hearted when you realise how you have been used, and your trust abused. And, such things seldom leave your mind completely. These thoughts keep lingering somewhere and disturb your peace of mind completely. It’s best to break away from them and walk by yourself, Corinne.
Hugs, and take care! <3
I feel bad for you. It’s unfair how our kindness is taken for granted. Often times, it is not about money but the hurt that follows with such a behavior. Pretense is something that I cannot handle as well. I am glad you have identified what you need to do. That to me is the first right step.
Dear Cory,
I’m glad these toxic people are out of your life. The only way to reclaim oneself is by letting the ones who add no value to our lives, go. With each passing year I realise, the smaller my circle, the happier I am.
And my best friends are mi familia and DH. I’m very content with a handful of friends.
And I’m not ready to let in anymore. That way I get my sacrosanct space and me time as well.
The entire manipulative streak and portraying themselves as victims is something I’ve seen in many across. Recently, a theft took place in our house by a neighbor who would come but pretending to be so innocent. It’s really sad how people can be!