A functional relationship must have intimacy, love, respect trust and truth. When I talk of relationships I mean all relationships and intimacy being of the physical or emotional kind.
I’ve had a lot of experience of broken relationships and friendships – lost because of a lack of honesty – on one or the other side and sometimes both. It’s hard for me to say what motivated other people to be dishonest, but I can certainly speak about my own dishonesty.
Looking back, I know that my dishonesty is a refusal to share my true feelings with the other. Love, according to me back then, was putting up with all manner of bad behaviour from the other and not sharing my feelings of disappointment or anger. In doing so, I never allowed myself to be ‘real‘ in these relationships. I never consciously allowed myself to be real in a negative way around anyone. And the few times, I was unable to control an outburst, I’d be consumed with guilt and most apologetic.
What I didn’t realize is that the very act of trying so hard to be ‘nice‘ and ‘good’ all the times is what killed the relationships.
I think that my fear of rejection kept me from being ‘me’ in these relationships.
Love Enough To Be Honest
I’m glad to report I’ve changed. I speak my mind in most of my relationships – at least the ones I value.
It’s a constant process of learning to be real, but I’m glad to have started.
If I’m in a bad mood I try to let the other person know that they must back off. If I don’t like the way I’ve been spoken to or treated, I let the other know. If I find that the other person has made some wrong choices, I share my feelings about this. There have been times, that I’ve also dared to be myself and found that it put people off, but now that too is okay for me.
I’ve found that there can be no love, respect or trust without truth. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love follows from respect. Intimacy is the reward we get when we dare to be honest.
Do you feel the same?
“ Love people enough to tell them the truth and respect them enough to trust that they can handle it.”
– Iyanla Vanzant
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I am happy to co-host today’s #MondayMusings with Sanch of Living My Imperfect Life. Please visit and comment on her post too.
Better to be honest and have fewer people in life that can tolerate the truth! Truth be told, I’ve learnt it the hard way but glad that it happened 🙂 Makes life much simpler and happier because it is now a ‘make’ or ‘mar’ situation!!!
I too agree that the very act of trying so hard to be ‘nice‘ and ‘good’ all the times is actually killing the relationships. Being honest would always improve relationship.
Best post to read on a Monday. Thank you!
I completely agree with you. If you can’t be honest in your relationship, better not to have it all. Sometimes being blunt hurts but once you get over the initial shock of being told things as they are, it becomes easier to accept, improve and love even more.
Being honest and truthful in a relationship is a must. But most often than not we dont do that for fear of losing or hurting. But it hurts us in the end. So yes, love people enough to tell them the truth!
Honesty is a huge key factor in making the relationship last forever. From the beginning I have always been honest and will always continue to be honest with my soon to be wife.! 🙂
Alexander recently posted..She said yes! My Wedding Proposal in New Orleans!
It is so much better to be honest in a relationship rather than keeping things to oneself. It is better to be clear about our stand on various matters rather than regretting later. Nice thoughts!
I think there’s a time for honesty and a time for almost-but-not-quite honesty. And then, frankly, there’s a time for setting aside your feelings and trying to discern what’s best for everyone in a given situation (usually the trickier ones).
Great post, and I’m glad your relationships are stronger for all the truth 🙂
For some reason, Corinne, I haven’t been getting your regular posts in my inbox, and as I check Google only infrequently, I know I’ve missed out on a lot from you. So gratified to be reconnected, my friend!
We can only tell the truth in love and hope our message is heard by open hearts. But we ever do ourselves a disservice not to be honest with ourselves and others. Thank you for this much needed inspiration today!
There is another side to the coin…honesty has made me suffer at work as well as within the family. I have been called rude, arrogant, outspoken and all those negative words for calling ‘a spade a spade!’
Despite all the hostility I didn’t give up being truthful though it is considered to be bitter. 🙂
Balroop Singh recently posted..Why Most Men Develop Cold Feet Over Emotional Issues
Corinne, Its hard to find that right balance between speaking your mind but knowing when to bite the tongue. As someone in a long marriage, I find tongue-biting the most difficult but alas, necessary. Sounds like you’re on the right track.
Laurie recently posted..5 Surprising Thoughts on the Not-Yet-Empty Nest
I lost my previous comment due to error. 😛
Well, relationships can never survive with people just claiming they love each other. It should be evident by showing respect and kindness and always being truthful. Only then can a relationship survive.
Lux G. recently posted..The Pros Of Working At Home
So, so true. I can’t stand dishonesty either. :/ I’m terrible with talking about how I feel, and I can definitely relate to you on not sharing my feelings of disappointment/anger/sadness. Part of what holds me back is that I really don’t like talking when I’m angry because I’m always worried that I’ll say something I’ll regret and never be able to take it back. It’s something I’m definitely working on though! If I’m not in a good mood, I usually give people a heads up beforehand and talk about it when I’m feeling better. Great post! <3
I agree. We tend to compromise a lot fearing that otherwise the relationship might falter. Being oneself, being honest ought to be the first and foremost pledge one takes before committing to a relationship. Honesty always pays. A relationship built on lies is bound to degrade one day, sans doubt.
Very true! We should all be more honest. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Mike Wilson recently posted..8 Positive Habits for a Happy and Successful 2016
You know, Corinne, I believe that for a relationship to be successful you need to see each others worst possible sides…I have 4 people in the world infornt of whom I can be my worst, negative self and they still love me..I think those are my true relationships and I’m nothing without them
Rightly said Corinne. Usually, in the first 1 or 2 years of marriage, this happens. We want to be always good without showing angry to the spouse and then when we become close gradually, we come out of the shell and be ourselves. I did that mistake and could come out of it. Now, I feel much better and comfortable in the relationship.
Ramya recently posted..A Thousand Unspoken Words by Paulami Duttagupta – [Book review]
Thanks for sharing, Ramya. I guess that’s true of all relationships to some extent.
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..The Accidental Salvation Of Gracie Lee – Author Interview
That’s a great quote about being honest. I must admit, fear of being let down tends to make me pull away. I used to be a people-pleaser but changed in the last decade or so. I am ok with people not liking my views and opinions or even not liking me. What really gets me though, is being hurt after showing my true self. That can cut deep!
Sanch recently posted..My biggest strength #MondayMusings
Thanks for sharing, Sanch. I know what you mean about being hurt after being yourself. It keeps happening to me too.
I use to be that way, but I have learned it better to be honest. When we are not honest, it leads to people making assumption about people or a situations which may or may not be true. Relationships are much easier to handle when a people is honest you know what to expect. This is a great post. I am joining your Monday Musings
You’re so right, Lucy. And we all know where assumptions lead us. Looking forward to you joining in #MondayMusings every week, if you can.
Corinne Rodrigues recently posted..The Accidental Salvation Of Gracie Lee – Author Interview