Our values are the things that we believe are important in the way we live and work. Values determine our priorities. They underpin who we are. Relationships can survive, even thrive, with differences – in interests, in looks, race, religion, etc. But differing values in relationships are much more difficult to handle.
Differing Values And Relationships
I mentioned in an earlier post that José and I been for a marriage preparation course a couple of months before our wedding. The course itself was rather weak in its teaching although there were one or two good speakers. What stood out for us is some of the couples also attending.
We were the oldest couple there, so there was naturally a difference in perspective between us and the others. But some couples gave us cause for concern.
There was one couple who seemed to be living beyond their means. He would come in a very flashy car – from all accounts bought on credit. She told us all about her wedding dress that she was importing and the plans for the wedding. They had one shared value – making sure they presented a good image to the world. I didn’t see them talk much to each other during the programme, and I wonder if starting a marriage with debts is a great idea.
The other couple was from different religions. She was Catholic and he was Hindu. He seemed younger than her. Since this programme is mandatory for those getting married in Church, the guy too had to attend. But it seemed like his sole motive was to make sure the Church gave him permission to have a regular boys’ night out!! He asked every speaker their opinion on him going out on the weekend with his friends. His fiancée was not amused. There was a clear difference in values there. More importantly, this was something they could have sorted out between them.
José and I have different values when it comes to money. He knows how to make it, invest it and use it prudently, whereas I tend to be more careless. We’ve learned to work this out through communication and respect.
Get to Know Each Other in Advance
There are a lot of things that you can do that will help you when it comes to improving the steps you need to take to help you here. Many people have many different values, and you have to make sure you come up with techniques and ideas that will allow you examine the values you both have, and how they might differ. Different values are not always a bad thing, and this is something to keep in mind, but it is probably a good idea to date someone you do share at least some similar values with, and there are a lot of things you have to keep in mind here. Try to make sure you do as much as possible to figure this out in advance.
You have to make sure you connect with people in advance to make sure you share similar values and interests. There are a lot of ideas that you have to think about when it comes to assessing values, and chatting with people and having conversations so you can understand their values and beliefs. Use all chat lines to communicate and converse with people, and there are a lot of things that you can find out about this in the process as well.
Do A Values Audit
The important thing is to see the differences, own them and then work through them. One good exercise to work through the differences is for the couple to do a values audit.
- The couple (separately) draws up a list of things that they each think are important for a mutually satisfying relationship. This will probably include things like love, respect, money, sex, children, extended family, etc.
- Each of them then ranks their list in order of importance.
- Compare the two lists.
This exercise will help you start a conversation about things that matter the to you. The ranking system will help you understand each other’s values better. You can work out whether you share the same values, can work around differences in values or whether at the very worst, there is just no way forward.
Are differing values between your partner and you causing a strain on your relationship. These differences might get even more underlined as we’re all living in stressful times. Have you considered online therapy as an option? Free online therapy can save relationships. Read this article to find out more.
My husband and I have different values when it comes to a relationship with dependent siblings. He feels one should respect one’s older siblings and look after the younger ones. I believe more in respecting people based on their integrity irrespective of their relationship with us. I argue that it is better to help a young student who’s struggling to pay his college fees rather than a nephew who wants to upgrade his iPhone or his motor-bike.
I was talking to an 87-year-old woman recently about marriage and we both agreed that when a couple shares similar values, they can make it till death do them part. She was married to her husband for 49 years before he died and she said, yes, there were little things about him that bothered me and vice versa however, we had a great marriage because we shared similar values, goals, outlook on life etc. We shared the important things to build a great marriage on a solid foundation.
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I like the idea of making a values list because many times despite living together for years couples fail to understand what’s truly important to each of them. That’s why to put it down in writing right at the beginning of the relationship is a great idea.
Obsessivemom recently posted..Girl, Woman, Other #BookReview
An important post to share and it’s important for couples to attend a marriage preparation course which I am sure is important to observe different values among couples. You get to see the shaking foundation in the examples shared. The idea of values audit is extremely important in today’s time.
The value list makes so much sense. Even after spending years with each other, the differing values may sometimes cause unnecessary friction.
I guess every couple can come up with this list. Will surely help the relationship flourish better.
Good one, Corinne.
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