Inside symmetry takes hold again, division leaves the fold
All the time required, I find myself the most surprised
A rejoining combination brings us back to almost whole
But all the time required, I find myself the most surprised
– from the song The Turns
I just released my first official piece of work into the world, an album of original music called Story. The album itself is an autobiographical re-telling of my journey coming through the most painful and difficult moment of my life, a “moment” which lasted for years.
The impetus for writing the record was an identity shattering romantic relationship; my first love.
Because of this relationship, I know what addiction is. I know what it means to return to something again and again, powerless against the temptation, even though you know it is horribly damaging to you.
I know what it is to be betrayed, and to have the shock of this betrayal turn slowly but certainly into mistrust, fear, and erosion of self-worth. True loneliness.
I know what it is to ask yourself, over and over, “If something was so real and so true, how could it have ended? And, more importantly, “Will I ever truly be able to trust anyone again?”
When it was through, the story only showed me
How a life could get torn open, many waysWhen it’s pulled apart, without a seeming reason
There at first, it’s not a thing to comprehendBut there’s only one of two ways that can go
And every story has to have a finished end
– from the song Easier
So this was the starting point of the record, and of the very uncertain journey of getting back to a place of emotional health; emotional well-being.
Art was the thing that got me through it. It was the belief in something that, while a deep expression of my inner self, was outside of myself, and, at its core,communal.
The writing and producing of this record felt very much like ‘playing’ with the material of the universe. In the moments of feeling otherwise completely alone, I had found the beginnings of reconnection. I could feel that it was my way back, back to a version of myself that I wanted to be, back to goodness, and strength, and wholeness.
And so I truly came to regard this music, this art and art-making, as my religion, and as the foundation of my renewed ability to believe in anything. (I would also be very remiss here to not acknowledge a very loving and supportive family, as well as a handful of truly great friends).
I used this music to work out everything I was feeling, questioning, cursing, and finally, hoping. It was through it that I actually rediscovered hope.
I wrote words about being in a better place in hopes that they would become a self-fulfilling prophecy; that these words (hopes) would take root inside of myself and grow into truth, transforming the feeling of my existence along the way.
So where am I now?
While I am happy to report there has been very real growth, there is still a very long way to go.
What am I looking for that I haven’t found?
After thinking about this long and hard, over years, during feelings of success as well as feelings of failure, I’ve come to think that this is just the way it is. In a very real way this sense of incompleteness, of desire, keeps me, and maybe all of us, pushing forward.
Which doesn’t mean, of course, that I’ll ever stop looking for what I would consider “true” contentment, but I think it’s more like I’m still on the journey of trying to really feel content in spite of my discontent, my unending desire.
I still want to feel good as much of the time as possible, and I thinkthat I do things because I believe in some way they’ll get me to that place – but I’m also highly skeptical of this “destination” oriented way of looking at it.
I want to know and live the feeling of being truly content with the journey alone, while I’m going through it, every day, and always being consciously thankful for it, which is something I have varying degrees of difficulty doing.
And lastly, is there a happy ending? And are we right to persist in believing, above all other things and despite any temporary evidence to the contrary, in love, and in the hope of love for every one of us?
All I will very happily say is that the universe did not lead me astray on that one, for which I am supremely grateful. But that’s another story (and another album 🙂
Meanwhile, all of my very best in all of your important journeys,
David
What is your experience in terms of your ability to be content with the journey alone?
David Bronson is a singer-songwriter/producer living and working in New York City. His debut album, Story, took the better part of a decade to complete, and retells the autobiographical journey of a young man’s loss of hope and identity following the death of first love, and the prolonged, arduous, and life-changing journey to re-find them.
David also writes his thoughts, feelings, and observations about existence on his writings blog, where you can subscribe to receive new writings as emails.
Related articles
- Story: new music by David Bronson (lostateminor.com)
I believe being content with the journey itself is important for us to keep going… because sometimes we are so busy in chasing a dream that we fail to enjoy the journey in reaching there.
Our journey helps us learn many things specially about yourself. Our strength and weakness which is very important for us to grow as an individual.
Privy Trifles recently posted..I am busy ~ Chapter 2
I couldn’t agree more, Privy – ‘learning’ ourselves, and our strengths and weaknesses, is a crucial part of it. Thanks for reading, David
I am glad that you are taking all your pain and putting it out in the form of something lyrical and tangible. I believe that sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. Also, the destination can change midway sometimes as you realize the path you have chosen is not taking you to where you had hoped to be,
After all living in the moment is what matters but a bit difficult to achieve as we take things for granted. I feel that one should try to be happy as much as we can even in small things like a beautiful sunset or meeting loved ones. Good luck to you too David.
Lazy Pineapple recently posted..Heroine- A Movie Review
Thank you so much, Pineapple! Good luck to you as well – I definitely agree with your point that destinations change as our paths reveal themselves to be something different than we thought they would be. One of the things I’m trying to continually be better at (with some degree of success) is being more thankful of where I find myself at each step of the way, even if, or sometimes especially if, it looks and feels different than I thought it would before arriving there. There have certainly been a number of instances in which the place or situation I find myself in is infinitely better, or more rich, than I had envisioned, and that is a very good thing to acknowledge I think.
I’m so glad you are here ‘now’… instead of ‘back then’. Granny Gee/ Gloria :)))
Gloria Faye Brown Bates/Granny Gee recently posted..I Will… If You Buy Me The Biggest Birthstone, I Will Go To Truck Driving School!
Thank you, Gloria / Granny Gee
I can connect deeply with music as a medium of expression in many many ways. It has been/ is~ my source of comfort. And when I find myself lost without words ~ I listen…
I am glad that you have found yours in music too.
I was struck by what you wrote at the beginning… “Would I ever be able to trust anyone again?” ~ I have put it in my Vision Board (but inside I know I have doubts). Journeying ‘alone’ is pretty scary for me ~ I know God is with me all the way. And about contentment ~ I haven’t reached it fully yet but I know God will gift me with it in due time…
Thanks for sharing yourself with us…
Melissa Tandoc recently posted..εφφαθα: First part
Thanks for reading, Melissa. I’m glad that music is a source of comfort and connection for you. I think that belief in something outside of yourself is very important – for me it’s in art, human connection, and a strong commitment to both of these. I tend to think that ‘full’ contentment (i.e. complete and long-lasting) might just not be something that we as humans are meant to achieve, but that a general, underlying feeling of wellness and health are definitely within our ability to maintain.
Hi ,Sweetie, just left you an award. Because you are such a sweetie:)
http://www.awriterweavesatale.com/2012/09/23/i-won-an-award-a-lovely-one/
sandra tyler recently posted..I won an award! A Lovely One!
Hi Sandra – I’m absolutely honored. Thank you so much. You’re a sweetie too and you know that 🙂
Why thank you, Sandra. You’re not so bad yourself 😉
Over the past several years, I have learned that lesson to be content in the journey. I actually wrote a blog which touches on this very theme and will be posted this coming Tuesday. Thank you for sharing your journey of healing and discovery and renewed hope with us, David!
Blessings to you!
Martha Orlando recently posted.."I Will Build My Church . . ."
Thank you so much for reading and for your good wishes, Martha, and same to you!
Your pain has found an outlet. Live an enriched life. The journey might not always be pleasant, but it sure teaches us a lot. Wish you the best.
Rachna recently posted..Walk to Your Health!
Thank you so much, Rachna, and very best to you as well 🙂
David Bronson recently posted..Penn Station Grateful Dead
You have found a creative outlet to express your pain and tribulation and that is commendable. Many people do not find an outlet and stay so wrapped up that they stop living. Every journey is a Story on its own.
Good Wishes.
Janu, I agree with you completely – one of my next albums has this idea as a central theme.
Thank you for taking the time to read and best wishes to you as well!
David Bronson recently posted..Penn Station Grateful Dead
The best thing is to find an outlet and that you have through this. All the very best.
Jas recently posted..Step Back
Thank you so much, Jas.
David Bronson recently posted..Penn Station Grateful Dead
Anyone who undertakes a journey must be prepared that it is never free of hurdles.
b k chowla recently posted..TIME TO TAKE STOCK
Very well written, and beautifully expressed – the most important part in our lives is not the destination, but the journey itself! thanks for sharing !
I’m glad that you enjoyed it on both counts, G Angela! Thank you!
David Bronson recently posted..Penn Station Grateful Dead
Regaining faith is very difficult and if you have come through, it speaks of the power of art to heal — emotional scars. From here, it can only be an upward climb. All the best 🙂
I love your thoughs on this as well as your imagery, Zephyr. The mountain is an important symbol throughout the record for that very reason. Best to you, David
David Bronson recently posted..Penn Station Grateful Dead